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00:00:25,580 --> 00:00:29,060
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once more, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,240
Indeed it is. And in a packed program
tonight, we shall be introducing you to

3
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,520
the waiter who served a CID inspector
with eight hard -boiled eggs and a lump

4
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:37,379
suet pudding.

5
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,660
He's been charged with obstructing a
police officer.

6
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:45,480
And then Sir Keith Joseph will be here
to tell us how he loves whiskey but

7
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,480
teachers.

8
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:53,300
But first, the news. Midland coach
drivers voted today never to speak again

9
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:56,600
the depot manager who said they had no
knowledge of local geography.

10
00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,460
Announcing the decision, the shop
steward said, we are sending him to

11
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:06,880
There was further evidence today that
the old customs of the countryside are

12
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,880
dying out, when instead of being burnt
at the stake, a witch was sentenced to

13
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,000
two sessions on a sunbed.

14
00:01:14,090 --> 00:01:18,010
Acting on a tip -off, customs officers
at Heathrow this morning, while

15
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:21,750
for a consignment of hashish, looked up
the kilt of a Mr. H. MacDonald.

16
00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:23,710
All they found was a little Hamish.

17
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:32,810
Finally, good news of the progress of
sex change patient Beverly Lamont. Today

18
00:01:32,810 --> 00:01:35,870
he was transferred from Guy's Hospital
to the Dolls Hospital.

19
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But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, whose mountaineering career got

20
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,780
off to a very bad start in his Swiss
hotel when he failed to scale the north

21
00:01:44,780 --> 00:01:45,780
face of the Eiderdown.

22
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:55,360
Come in, Daz. What is it?

23
00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:57,560
I come to see you, sir, about the cows.

24
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Cows?

25
00:02:01,180 --> 00:02:02,180
Cows?

26
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Cows, sir.

27
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,260
You know, big things with a leg at each
corner.

28
00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:10,389
kind of bag thing I'm hanging under.

29
00:02:11,050 --> 00:02:13,190
I know the ones you mean, yes.

30
00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:17,770
We've got some of those, haven't we?
You're the cow man, aren't you? That's

31
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:23,250
right, sir, yes. I was until today, sir,
but I'm leaving, sir. Oh, no, you can't

32
00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:24,790
leave, Giles. What's the matter?

33
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Well, it's just the cows, you see. They
just, they won't stop doing it, sir.

34
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With what?

35
00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:34,210
I don't like to say, sir. You know, they
just...

36
00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:35,630
They won't stop doing it, sir.

37
00:02:35,910 --> 00:02:40,050
What do they do? They do chewing the
thing, the cud.

38
00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:45,530
No, not that, sir. No, not that. What
else? I know what they do. They give

39
00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:47,230
Are they giving milk again? No, you're
getting there.

40
00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:53,490
Oh, no, they're not doing that, are
they? They're doing that, sir, yes.

41
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:58,050
Oh, dear. They're still doing that?
They're still doing that. They do all

42
00:02:58,050 --> 00:03:00,520
the place. So they're doing it on my
clean straw.

43
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,840
They're doing it all over. They just
don't seem to care. Well, I don't

44
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,300
understand it. I mean, we install
facilities.

45
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,880
We install flush toilets for them.

46
00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:14,060
I know, sir, but they won't use them,
sir. Why ever not?

47
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:18,360
Well, they just refuse it. Well, I can't
comprehend this at all. I mean, I

48
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,060
wasn't informed of this. Giles, you
know. Did you know about it? No, I

49
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:24,180
know any about it at all, sir. I never
said anything about it at the job

50
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,080
sir. Did they not? No, no, no.

51
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:31,280
And it's never referred to on the
arches, you know? No, that's why I'm

52
00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:35,280
No, but you're not to go. You're not to
go, Giles. After all, you and I are

53
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:40,600
partners in this, aren't we? I mean,
we've been farming this land since...

54
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:47,180
long is it? Last Tuesday, sir. I mean,
we can't possibly stop being cow

55
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,530
simply because the cows won't use the
flush toilets, can they? Well, no, sir,

56
00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:53,990
don't suppose so, but that's another
matter, because I just feel I can't cope

57
00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:58,450
anymore. No, well, you are not to leave,
Giles. You are not to leave. The cows

58
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can go.

59
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,770
The cows, sir? Yes, I shall speak to
them in the morning.

60
00:04:03,450 --> 00:04:04,950
I shall ask them to leave.

61
00:04:05,390 --> 00:04:09,770
Well, sir, how can you have a farm, sir,
without cows? But I have an idea, you

62
00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:12,170
see, Giles. We don't have to have a cow
farm.

63
00:04:12,850 --> 00:04:14,550
We can have a trout farm.

64
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,410
A trout farm, sir? Yeah.

65
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:18,160
They're fish.

66
00:04:18,339 --> 00:04:20,339
Oh, fish? Oh, fish?

67
00:04:20,540 --> 00:04:23,120
Oh, well, that'd be all right, sir. They
will look after themselves. They'll

68
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,820
just swim about. You won't need my help,
sir. Oh, but I will, Giles. Of course I

69
00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:30,480
will. You can't leave me now. Why not,
sir? Well, who's going to milk them?

70
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,440
Now, Barbara performs a song which,
incidentally, she wrote herself and is

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00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,940
featured on her new album.

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00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:49,440
It's called Another Good Day for
Goodbye, so here she is to sing it.

73
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Barbara Dickman.

74
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,220
I represent an organisation of people
who say everything twice. I represent an

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00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,460
organisation of people who say
everything twice.

76
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:44,640
And I'm speaking to you tonight for
twice the normal BBC fee. And I'm

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00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,480
to you tonight for £1 .50.

78
00:08:49,020 --> 00:08:52,540
Now, saying everything twice guarantees
that what you're saying is fully

79
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:53,880
comprehended and not confusing.

80
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,980
Saying what I just said twice guarantees
full comprehension and less confusion

81
00:08:57,980 --> 00:09:01,060
than saying what I just said once
instead of twice and simply leaving it

82
00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,060
that.

83
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:07,570
asking yourselves, why do we say things
twice? Whereas I'm asking myself, why do

84
00:09:07,570 --> 00:09:09,190
we say things twice? Why do we say
things twice?

85
00:09:09,970 --> 00:09:13,550
We say things twice because no one ever
bothers to listen to us the first time.

86
00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:16,510
I said, we say things twice because no
one ever bothers to listen to us the

87
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:18,910
first time. Are you mutton Jeff or
something? Are you mutton Jeff or

88
00:09:20,390 --> 00:09:23,850
Although it's fun, it can have its
snags. Although it's fun, it can have

89
00:09:23,850 --> 00:09:24,850
chastity belt.

90
00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:29,810
Like parties, for instance. We never get
invited to any. Like parties, for

91
00:09:29,810 --> 00:09:30,810
instance, Oliver Reed.

92
00:09:33,550 --> 00:09:36,970
party I went to, I bumped into a lovely
couple. The last party I went to, I

93
00:09:36,970 --> 00:09:38,010
bumped into Samantha Fox.

94
00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:42,310
And between you and me, I felt a right
one.

95
00:09:42,510 --> 00:09:44,950
And between you and me, I did it again
and felt a left one.

96
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:51,390
The only time I never said anything
twice was in a crowded Australian sheep

97
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:54,690
farmer's bar. The only time I never said
anything twice was in a corrugated

98
00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:55,690
lunatic asylum.

99
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,910
When I asked for a pink gin and a packet
of cheesy puffs.

100
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,800
when I ask for a good hiding and a
flying doctor.

101
00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:08,640
Of course, sometimes we do have a day
off when we only say things one and a

102
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:13,960
times. Of course, sometimes we do have a
day off when we only... Then there are

103
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,900
bank holidays when we only say things
once. We only say things once.

104
00:10:17,180 --> 00:10:21,260
This day is usually used for asking
difficult or dangerous questions, like

105
00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:24,280
put the slits in my sheepskin shirt
because my sheepskin shirt's got slits.

106
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,360
Fortunately, today is a bank holiday.

107
00:10:29,610 --> 00:10:32,770
In summing up, then, saying everything
twice can be lots of fun. Saying

108
00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:34,830
everything twice can be Joan Collins in
a hammock.

109
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:39,850
If you wish me to enroll you in our
organization, simply ring our head

110
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:43,290
As I say, if you wish me to put you in
the club, simply ring me at this number.

111
00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:51,470
001166883355779944. Good night, night,
night, toodle -pip, tiddle -poo.

112
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,840
Do you know how to avoid falling out?

113
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:08,140
Eh?

114
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,640
Do you know how to avoid falling out?

115
00:11:12,980 --> 00:11:14,640
Yeah, get out the way.

116
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:19,920
You're going a bit bald under that
balaclava, ain't you?

117
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,580
I'm not bald.

118
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,540
I've got flesh -coloured hair.

119
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,580
Go on, you can't fool me.

120
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:31,560
I've got wavy hair.

121
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,540
You used to have.

122
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:35,810
Now it's waving goodbye.

123
00:11:37,710 --> 00:11:43,270
My advice is to stop worrying about it.
I know a lot of people go grey worrying

124
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:44,310
about going bald.

125
00:11:46,410 --> 00:11:49,110
The eyes are not what they was either.

126
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,190
Why, what was it?

127
00:11:52,950 --> 00:11:55,250
You know what I mean.

128
00:11:56,050 --> 00:12:00,290
I can't see things close to unless
they're a long way away.

129
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,840
The paper said they can cure short
-sighted now with a special herbal

130
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:10,860
Ah, that's just a lot of eye wash.

131
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,320
I'm going to get a monocle.

132
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,300
You'll sit on that and break it.

133
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,840
No, I won't. That's not where you wear
it.

134
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:29,280
They've invented... They've invented a
new lens that can be hit with an hammer,

135
00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:34,150
dropped 100 feet and jumped on. without
it breaking.

136
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:36,690
Oh. Yeah, straight up.

137
00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:41,490
As a final test, they're going to let
the post office have a go at it.

138
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,340
Do you like to eat crisps?

139
00:14:58,260 --> 00:14:59,260
No, no.

140
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,280
I've got popcorn here.

141
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,100
No,

142
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:05,840
neither. I wouldn't prefer either.

143
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:09,120
I'm trying to watch the film. Oh, yes,
sorry.

144
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:57,400
I've seen this film.

145
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,000
See that dark bird up there, the one
that looks like Audrey Hepburn a bit?

146
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:02,539
that one?

147
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:04,480
No, no, she's up there. It's no good
looking at me. Look, up there.

148
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,800
See her? Well, of course I see her.

149
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:09,620
She gets murdered to death.

150
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,300
About halfway through, she's strangled
by her own pair of tightsies.

151
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,540
Did you have to tell me that?

152
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:18,800
Eh? Did you have to tell me that?

153
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,760
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't
realise you're one of these people who

154
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,280
like to know what's going to come next,
are you? Yes, I am. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm

155
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,870
sorry. Yeah, my apologies.

156
00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:30,910
Yes, anyway, it's not crucial to the
plot. It doesn't affect the film,

157
00:16:30,910 --> 00:16:32,630
mean, it won't affect you. It won't
spoil your enjoyment.

158
00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:35,930
I say it won't spoil your enjoyment.

159
00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:39,390
It won't spoil it for you. Good.

160
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,130
It would have spoiled it for you if I
told you the blokes he was with were

161
00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:49,230
stabbed down in a bath. That cameras
a... Won't now, will it? Eh?

162
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:53,190
I say it won't come as a surprise now.
You have told me. You've just told me.

163
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:56,260
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't keep saying
sorry in that empty way. I'm just trying

164
00:16:56,260 --> 00:17:00,780
to watch the film. Yes, OK. I'm sorry.
You will not know... I'm sorry. You will

165
00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:01,780
not know I'm here.

166
00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:15,339
Is that a mole?

167
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:21,470
Is that a mole on your... in shape like
a question mark, is it? Is that a mole?

168
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,130
Is that a mole there?

169
00:17:23,849 --> 00:17:27,210
He's got one just like it. Who, who,
who? Him, the bloke in the film. The one

170
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:29,010
that gets sucked out of the aeroplane
after he explodes.

171
00:17:30,290 --> 00:17:33,110
He lands on his tidal wave, he's
swimming away, he nearly gets to the

172
00:17:33,190 --> 00:17:34,310
he's eaten by his giant sharks.

173
00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:37,250
Terrible. Thank you very much. Thank you
very much. What?

174
00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:40,950
What do you mean, what? You have just
ruined the entire film for me. I'm

175
00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:44,250
I keep forgetting. I'm sorry, but it's a
terrible film anyway. It's a dreadful

176
00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:45,189
film, honestly.

177
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,590
Not worth watching. I've seen it twice.

178
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,160
It's not worth watching.

179
00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:51,380
Honestly, you'd be much better employed
reading that book you've got there,

180
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:54,320
Murder at Mallory Manor. That is a good
book. That's a very good book, that.

181
00:17:55,060 --> 00:17:56,720
I've read that. It's a very excellent
book.

182
00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:01,320
No, it is. It's a lovely book, that. It
really keeps you on your toes. It keeps

183
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,920
you in your suspense until the very last
minute. That's lovely.

184
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,160
The butler did it.

185
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,040
I'm leaving.

186
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,480
Oh, don't go. Hey, I hope you have a
nice dinner anyway.

187
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,680
You're going to have roast lamb, roast
potatoes and peas.

188
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,860
Yeah, and don't plan anything for
afterwards because your wife's got a

189
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,860
Keep up on the ride.

190
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,660
Snorgy down the dirt road.

191
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,480
Looking for adventure.

192
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,740
Rolling down the milky.

193
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:53,300
Heavy, heavy, and grindstone Randy.

194
00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:56,540
They tell me he's much too tired.

195
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,040
But brother, he comes in handy.

196
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,340
He'd be ten every night.

197
00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,850
to be back here.

198
00:19:09,930 --> 00:19:12,050
Good luck with this in silence.

199
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:15,530
Where to keep your black gear?

200
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:18,810
Rubbery with violence?

201
00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:23,950
Don't bother with love and marriage.

202
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:25,590
We're at three o 'clock.

203
00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:32,250
Each week I go up the garage to change
the oil.

204
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,560
Must be biking freaks.

205
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,780
Ain't had a wife for weeks.

206
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,460
Freaking down to Bognor.

207
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,820
Making all the weird scenes.

208
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:20,700
without doubt and tomorrow we'll still
be braving if I bump

209
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:25,540
that down we'll still be wise

210
00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:33,520
tonight

211
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:40,560
tonight

212
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:41,680
is rather

213
00:21:43,790 --> 00:21:49,370
After 15 years, it looks as though the
time has come to say goodbye to the old

214
00:21:49,370 --> 00:21:50,370
chair.

215
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:53,390
Oh, that's very nice. Thank you very
much.

216
00:21:54,430 --> 00:21:58,970
Owing to mounting financial pressure,
the BBC is having to sell off many of

217
00:21:58,970 --> 00:21:59,970
prized assets.

218
00:22:00,330 --> 00:22:05,650
And as from next week, I am to be
rehoused in Dave Allen's ashtray.

219
00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:12,330
By the way, for anyone who doubts that
the BBC are in deadly earnest, I've

220
00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:17,770
actually got... hear the official estate
agent's blurb for this chair.

221
00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:19,250
Listen to this.

222
00:22:19,530 --> 00:22:24,790
Ronnie Corbett's chair, television
centre, West 12th. We are pleased to

223
00:22:24,790 --> 00:22:31,590
this much sought after little property
nestling in the idyllic surroundings of

224
00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:33,410
Studio 8's scenery store.

225
00:22:34,570 --> 00:22:41,410
Situated within easy walking distance of
the floor and just

226
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,740
And just the stones throw away from
Terry Wogan.

227
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,040
Stones not provided, it says.

228
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:56,460
Comprises one sitting tenant of mature
pre -war type with ample

229
00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:58,180
scope for extension downstairs.

230
00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:07,100
How dare they. And he jokes in need of
some modernisation.

231
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:14,800
Realistically priced at 29 ,000, but
we'll take a tenner. Now, I can tell you

232
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,840
intend to fight this through the courts.
And I'm quite confident because I have

233
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,780
got a very, very good lawyer.

234
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:23,800
Barrister, who happens to play golf with
me, who can work miracles.

235
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,960
I mean, he was the one who got me
compensation for unfair dismissal from

236
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,000
Harlem Globetrotters.

237
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,420
Well, everyone is on the make these
days. Actually, talking of lawyers

238
00:23:36,420 --> 00:23:40,320
me there is still one or two legal
hitches over my sensational new

239
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:45,260
autobiography. I've got this, you know,
it's called The Secrets of a Super Stud.

240
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,300
Rambo Ronnie reveals all.

241
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,520
No, no, at long last, I have decided to
kiss and tell.

242
00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:02,190
No, I think it's high time people knew,
you know, the other Ronnie Corbett for a

243
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:03,970
change. You know, Ronnie Corbett the
swinger.

244
00:24:04,870 --> 00:24:10,370
You may scoff, but many is the night I
can be glimpsed mixing with the jet set

245
00:24:10,370 --> 00:24:16,770
down at Tramps in my tight clinging
jeans with my big gold medallion, my

246
00:24:16,770 --> 00:24:23,570
coat open down to the navel, bopping
away, you know, till three, sometimes

247
00:24:23,570 --> 00:24:24,770
four minutes past seven.

248
00:24:29,070 --> 00:24:33,810
admit, it hasn't always been like that.
I haven't always been as physical with

249
00:24:33,810 --> 00:24:36,210
the ladies as I am today. I was quite a
late developer emotionally.

250
00:24:36,630 --> 00:24:42,070
I used to have this dream that I was
alone in a dressing room with five

251
00:24:42,070 --> 00:24:45,870
dancers playing This Little Piggy Went
to Market.

252
00:24:48,230 --> 00:24:53,650
I suppose it all stems from being very
small as a child. I mean, when I was

253
00:24:53,650 --> 00:24:55,150
born, my mother demanded a recount.

254
00:24:56,210 --> 00:25:00,300
Anyway, as I say, We are having some
legal trouble over one controversial

255
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:05,260
passage in my new book about the time I
spent the night in Brit Eklund's bedroom

256
00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:08,540
and got arrested for loitering in a
public place.

257
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:17,820
So if the book fails to appear, you will
know why. But on to tonight's story,

258
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,500
which is a true tale.

259
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,540
True life tale that actually happened to
some very close friends of mine. And

260
00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:26,980
since it's a bit personal, I'd be
obliged if you didn't let it go any

261
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,960
Now, they're a bit of a strange couple,
these two. Every so often they invite us

262
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:36,820
round for dinner to the chic little pad
in Hampstead. It's all very open plan,

263
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:37,479
you know.

264
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,420
They've just had the goldfish bowl and
the budgie cage knocked into one.

265
00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:49,220
And it's a very exclusive neighbourhood,
I'll tell you. I mean, where they live,

266
00:25:49,260 --> 00:25:50,500
they don't have morning papers.

267
00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:52,080
No morning papers at all.

268
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,720
Alistair Burnett comes round and chokes
the letterbox.

269
00:25:56,500 --> 00:26:01,760
Anyway, here we come to the interesting
part of the story.

270
00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:04,240
And not before time, I can hear you say.

271
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:09,120
Incidentally, this story was reminded to
me the other day by Peter Alice at a

272
00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:10,720
little informal bonfire I threw.

273
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:12,400
After my golf lesson.

274
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,680
It wasn't much of a bonfire. I don't
know if you ever tried to burn a set of

275
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:19,680
golf clubs.

276
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,320
The woods go fairly well, but the irons
tend to hang around for a while.

277
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:29,760
Anyway, this, for 20 years, this is the
story, 20 years, the husband has kept,

278
00:26:29,900 --> 00:26:33,260
this husband, has kept a big wooden
trunk at the foot of the bed.

279
00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:37,520
And he has made his wife swear on a
blinding oath on her grandmother's

280
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,700
which is not easy because she was buried
at sea.

281
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,840
that she will not, under any
circumstances, try and open it.

282
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,280
And being a loyal wife, she keeps her
oath until one day it's the wedding

283
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,340
anniversary. Now, she comes downstairs
expecting to find something on the

284
00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:56,840
breakfast table, a card or some flowers
or, you know, something. Nothing.

285
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,340
Nothing. Not a sausage.

286
00:26:58,980 --> 00:27:01,220
So she thinks, well, there is one
sausage, yes.

287
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:06,260
And a couple of fried eggs and some
toast.

288
00:27:06,820 --> 00:27:08,320
But no present.

289
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:13,080
So after he's gone off to work, you see,
she thinks, right, just for that, I'm

290
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:17,180
going to open that damn trunk upstairs
and see what is inside it once and for

291
00:27:17,180 --> 00:27:20,540
all, which she does. And when she opens
it, there inside she finds four golf

292
00:27:20,540 --> 00:27:24,560
balls and 800 pounds tied up in an
elastic band.

293
00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:28,500
What can that possibly mean, she
wonders. Well, that night her husband

294
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:33,640
home, full of remorse, loaded with
flowers, boxes of chocolates, a bucket

295
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:34,640
Chanel No. 5.

296
00:27:34,940 --> 00:27:37,320
He says, how can you ever forgive me?

297
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:43,000
Happy anniversary, my petal, he says, at
which his wife is deeply moved.

298
00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:45,360
I am deeply moved, she said.

299
00:27:46,620 --> 00:27:48,240
There you are. I told you she was deeply
moved.

300
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,420
She said, I have a confession to make.
He said, you know that crowbar I use to

301
00:27:53,420 --> 00:27:54,520
get the skin off the rice pudding?

302
00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,100
Well, she said, while you were out, I
used it to open that trunk upstairs. Now

303
00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:01,100
now know what is inside.

304
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,320
Four golf balls and 800 pounds.

305
00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:05,040
Oh, my God, says her husband.

306
00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:08,700
Well, he says, there's nothing for it
now. I will come clean. You see,

307
00:28:08,780 --> 00:28:13,540
throughout our marriage, every time I
have been, as it were, unfaithful to

308
00:28:13,620 --> 00:28:17,540
I've opened that trunk and I've put a
golf ball inside.

309
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,120
Now you know. Oh, dear, she says.

310
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:26,780
She still, I suppose, she said, four
golf balls in 25 years, not so bad.

311
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,320
But tell me, what about the 800 pounds?

312
00:28:29,940 --> 00:28:33,200
He said, well, every time I got a dozen
together, I sold them.

313
00:28:49,130 --> 00:28:54,690
Yes, here I am again, Auntie Claire,
solving all your painful problems with

314
00:28:54,690 --> 00:28:55,690
and compassion.

315
00:28:56,270 --> 00:29:01,710
And if I can't solve a problem, I sit on
it for a while and it disappears.

316
00:29:03,070 --> 00:29:07,110
I'm going to sit right here and read you
all a letter.

317
00:29:09,110 --> 00:29:12,810
I'm getting piles of mail from you.

318
00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:17,010
Like this one here that simply said,

319
00:29:17,710 --> 00:29:20,030
My better half hogged all the bed.

320
00:29:20,610 --> 00:29:23,070
She's a love but far too chubby.

321
00:29:23,370 --> 00:29:30,210
Oh, that one's from my hubby. May I
quote a note from poor, perplexed

322
00:29:31,830 --> 00:29:35,810
My mate ignores me all night through.

323
00:29:37,450 --> 00:29:41,570
Well, sweetie, go right out and buy a
see -through sweater.

324
00:29:43,270 --> 00:29:45,670
And show your man a thing.

325
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,400
Or two.

326
00:29:48,460 --> 00:29:50,740
There's a postcard from Daisy.

327
00:29:51,020 --> 00:29:57,760
She says, I'm going crazy. My husband
put three neighbors' wives up the spout.

328
00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:04,420
This man is a nutter, dear. Show him the
gutter. While you make the butter,

329
00:30:04,700 --> 00:30:06,460
he spreads it about.

330
00:30:06,940 --> 00:30:09,320
Oh, do help me, Claire Chuck.

331
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:11,660
I love Lionel Blair, Chuck.

332
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,920
Writes anxious and puzzled.

333
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,580
From West Birkenhead, love.

334
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,500
Stop it with Lionel. He's married.

335
00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:20,700
That's final.

336
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:25,260
You'll never find his tap shoes under
your bed.

337
00:30:25,620 --> 00:30:27,760
Here's a card from Mary Hughes.

338
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:29,900
I've got a thing about tattoos.

339
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,260
I've got them everywhere.

340
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,940
My boyfriend's going spare.

341
00:30:35,340 --> 00:30:37,260
My viewers of Spain.

342
00:30:37,850 --> 00:30:44,170
Drive him insane as the plan of Milan on
my Unaware.

343
00:30:44,570 --> 00:30:48,990
He loves to stray along the road to
Mandalay.

344
00:30:49,190 --> 00:30:52,670
Each night to go too far, he'll try.

345
00:30:53,930 --> 00:31:00,630
So, Claire, what shall I do? Tell him if
he marries you, he'll get the rest of

346
00:31:00,630 --> 00:31:02,410
the world by and by.

347
00:31:03,550 --> 00:31:07,150
Oh, Mrs. Raynor, what can I do?

348
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:13,000
My husband Jack has lost the knack, says
Mrs. Fruit from Crewe. Try some indoor

349
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:18,880
sports, love, I told Mrs. Fruit. Now
every night she winds up playing Trivial

350
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:19,880
Pursuit.

351
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:28,080
This one's from a man called Rambo.

352
00:31:28,340 --> 00:31:33,600
Six foot four and loves to mambo. Need
abroad to love me night and day.

353
00:31:36,110 --> 00:31:38,510
Someone I can call my baby.

354
00:31:38,710 --> 00:31:41,070
Am I much too macho, maybe?

355
00:31:41,470 --> 00:31:43,150
Lovey -dove, who cares?

356
00:31:43,410 --> 00:31:45,150
I'm on my way.

357
00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:49,510
Don't forget to write Big Bear a nice
long letter.

358
00:31:51,250 --> 00:31:58,130
If you're simply -pimply pregnant, sad
or gay, I have to tell

359
00:31:58,130 --> 00:32:01,090
you, loves, my problems don't get
better.

360
00:32:02,450 --> 00:32:05,130
To advise you how I toil.

361
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,960
But my plans all seem to spoil.

362
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,100
So I write to Katie Boyle.

363
00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:37,330
coat, Miss Goodbody?

364
00:32:37,410 --> 00:32:38,750
Oh, I do, I do.

365
00:32:39,150 --> 00:32:40,450
You're such a darling.

366
00:32:40,950 --> 00:32:41,950
And the necklace?

367
00:32:42,110 --> 00:32:43,230
Oh, it's beautiful.

368
00:32:43,930 --> 00:32:47,210
I can't wait to express my gratitude
properly.

369
00:32:48,370 --> 00:32:50,710
The first of many times.

370
00:32:53,010 --> 00:32:54,010
Look out!

371
00:32:57,730 --> 00:32:59,410
You trying to kill everybody?

372
00:33:00,170 --> 00:33:02,190
My secretary is very, very sensitive.

373
00:33:04,890 --> 00:33:09,330
Thank you. Thank you very much.

374
00:33:09,870 --> 00:33:11,930
That's the fourth little giddy we've run
into today.

375
00:33:14,190 --> 00:33:15,830
Right. Where is this hotel?

376
00:33:16,290 --> 00:33:19,130
450 yards ahead. Turn right and it's
second on the left.

377
00:33:19,370 --> 00:33:20,530
The Smith Hotel.

378
00:33:21,150 --> 00:33:24,630
You are so efficient, Mr. Body.

379
00:33:25,250 --> 00:33:28,670
And for a temp, too. What a lucky day
for me the day you arrived.

380
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:30,800
One way or the other.

381
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,040
Right. Smiths Hotel, here we come.

382
00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:36,620
Shall we call ourselves Mr.

383
00:33:36,820 --> 00:33:37,840
and Mrs. Smith?

384
00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:39,860
I'll be Mr.

385
00:33:43,140 --> 00:33:44,140
Very nice.

386
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:01,280
Very discreet.

387
00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:04,020
How about being carried over the
threshold?

388
00:34:04,540 --> 00:34:06,380
Well, I think I'm going to be a little
too heavy for you.

389
00:34:07,100 --> 00:34:08,739
Smith's option, where is one?

390
00:34:09,659 --> 00:34:10,659
Smear, Smith.

391
00:34:10,980 --> 00:34:15,100
Look, Miss Goodbody, would you mind
slipping this on the old journalist?

392
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,340
What does this mean?

393
00:34:17,739 --> 00:34:20,400
It means, dear, I always carry a spare.

394
00:34:30,380 --> 00:34:32,360
Very nice indeed, eh?

395
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:34,000
Very suitable.

396
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:35,199
What for?

397
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:36,460
Precisely, for a bit of what for.

398
00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:41,540
Here? No, not here, dear, not here.
Upstairs, isn't it?

399
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:43,520
Shall I order the drinks for the
interval?

400
00:34:47,679 --> 00:34:50,780
You must be Mr and Mrs Smith.

401
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:54,860
What? How do you know that, then? Well,
everybody is round here.

402
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:59,100
We were wondering, my wife and I... Oh,
yeah, where's she then?

403
00:34:59,740 --> 00:35:03,740
This is my wife here. And we were
wondering if you had a room.

404
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:05,460
Room? Double bed?

405
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:06,800
That is it, double bed.

406
00:35:07,020 --> 00:35:08,900
And another little bed in case your wife
turns up.

407
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:10,780
This is my wife here, you see.

408
00:35:11,060 --> 00:35:13,700
In fact, we're celebrating our
anniversary, aren't we, dear?

409
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:19,380
Oh. We... Have I read? Have I... Have I
lost anniversary?

410
00:35:20,380 --> 00:35:21,380
Well, congratulations.

411
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,440
If you care to sign in, Mr Smith. Smith?

412
00:35:24,780 --> 00:35:25,780
Oh, sorry, it's me, isn't it?

413
00:35:27,020 --> 00:35:28,720
And this is Mrs. Dobbs. Smith.

414
00:35:29,580 --> 00:35:30,580
So borrowed, eh?

415
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:32,180
Yes, she is, isn't she?

416
00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:36,460
But I'm worried, you know. I mean, she
has got a ring. Have you seen the

417
00:35:36,460 --> 00:35:39,500
gentleman with the ring? Of course she's
got a ring, yes. Very nice indeed,

418
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:40,419
madam, yeah.

419
00:35:40,420 --> 00:35:42,800
It reminds me, I was hanging them
curtains up in the snug.

420
00:35:43,380 --> 00:35:46,780
Oh, by the way, my name's Smith as well,
you know.

421
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,820
Sylvanus Q. Smith at your service.

422
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:51,980
Ah. Oh, well.

423
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:53,520
Sorry, you'd better...

424
00:35:54,910 --> 00:35:56,570
Yes, very wise, yes.

425
00:35:57,010 --> 00:35:58,410
It is nearly five o 'clock.

426
00:36:00,470 --> 00:36:02,610
I'm putting you in the Smith suite, sir.

427
00:36:03,630 --> 00:36:06,630
This hasn't been slept in since Mr and
Mrs Smith.

428
00:36:07,510 --> 00:36:11,050
I would go and get your luggage for you
from the car, only you haven't got any.

429
00:36:11,790 --> 00:36:13,590
No, but this all came up a bit suddenly.

430
00:36:13,910 --> 00:36:14,848
Oh, really?

431
00:36:14,850 --> 00:36:16,750
You didn't know you were going to have
an anniversary.

432
00:36:17,750 --> 00:36:19,170
Well, not such a nice one.

433
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,100
They signed in as Mr and Mrs Smith.

434
00:36:44,020 --> 00:36:45,020
Beautiful.

435
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:51,220
Right up in the ivy.

436
00:36:52,700 --> 00:36:54,700
I feel like a bird.

437
00:36:54,940 --> 00:36:57,500
So do I. And you're the bird I feel
like.

438
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:00,280
Now, listen.

439
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,940
You slip into your nightie. You have got
a nightie, haven't you?

440
00:37:03,260 --> 00:37:04,260
It's in here.

441
00:37:08,010 --> 00:37:09,010
if they do oysters.

442
00:37:09,610 --> 00:37:12,650
I'll nip downstairs and see if we can
rustle up a couple of dozen oysters, you

443
00:37:12,650 --> 00:37:13,650
see.

444
00:37:15,030 --> 00:37:16,410
You put yourself on hold.

445
00:37:16,730 --> 00:37:17,730
Tread water remote.

446
00:37:22,430 --> 00:37:28,310
Have you got any oysters?

447
00:37:29,810 --> 00:37:32,410
Better than that, sir. The Smith
special.

448
00:37:32,790 --> 00:37:33,790
There we are.

449
00:37:34,190 --> 00:37:37,690
When it comes... When it comes to
putting lead in pencils, that makes a 4B

450
00:37:37,690 --> 00:37:38,690
a 3H.

451
00:37:39,510 --> 00:37:40,510
Cheers.

452
00:37:43,450 --> 00:37:45,810
Oh, you know, it's strong, isn't it?

453
00:37:46,530 --> 00:37:49,770
Still very quiet here, isn't it? You're
the first person I've seen here. There's

454
00:37:49,770 --> 00:37:50,930
nobody in the street at all.

455
00:37:51,290 --> 00:37:53,770
Oh, well, all the regulars will be in
later on, yeah.

456
00:37:54,030 --> 00:37:58,550
Jim Smith, the Smith family, the three
boys, you know, the Smith triplets,

457
00:37:58,750 --> 00:37:59,750
Larry, Barry and Harry.

458
00:38:00,430 --> 00:38:02,570
And then the oldest in Aberdeen, Old
Smitty.

459
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,860
Not a Smith's? Well, not really.

460
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:07,740
Be quiet, Smith.

461
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:10,220
Who's this, then?

462
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,480
That is the first man, Adam Smith.

463
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:16,100
And this here?

464
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,560
Oh, that is Eve Smith, offering him a
Granny Smith.

465
00:38:20,940 --> 00:38:24,220
And the picture hanging up in the loo is
the relief of Lady Smith.

466
00:38:26,140 --> 00:38:27,140
Have a crisp.

467
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,820
Don't have to ask you what kind of
crisps those are.

468
00:38:32,940 --> 00:38:34,020
The cheese and onion.

469
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:39,080
Oh, giddy.

470
00:38:39,500 --> 00:38:41,140
Oh, gone all right, eh?

471
00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:42,460
Good

472
00:38:42,460 --> 00:38:51,120
morning,

473
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,200
Mr Dobbs.

474
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,080
Did you sleep well?

475
00:38:54,460 --> 00:38:56,960
Well, well, well. Oh, look, lovely day.

476
00:39:01,009 --> 00:39:02,490
The chambermaids, they're a day off,
sir.

477
00:39:02,690 --> 00:39:04,710
No, no, not chambermaid.

478
00:39:05,470 --> 00:39:09,690
Chambermaid? Miss Goodbody, my temporary
second... My temporary second wife. My

479
00:39:09,690 --> 00:39:10,690
second wife.

480
00:39:10,910 --> 00:39:13,350
It's all going to be, you know... We
were going to, you know.

481
00:39:13,590 --> 00:39:15,010
We were going to.

482
00:39:15,590 --> 00:39:16,790
Why haven't we? Why?

483
00:39:17,370 --> 00:39:18,630
Well, this isn't a Smith suite.

484
00:39:18,970 --> 00:39:21,050
Smith suite? You say we haven't got a
Smith suite.

485
00:39:21,370 --> 00:39:24,890
Well, this is not my room. This is a
room you books are one single room.

486
00:39:24,890 --> 00:39:27,430
room? What is a single room to me? What
are you going to do in a single room,

487
00:39:27,430 --> 00:39:28,430
eh? Where is she?

488
00:39:29,770 --> 00:39:30,770
Where did she go?

489
00:39:30,970 --> 00:39:32,270
A kiss.

490
00:39:37,450 --> 00:39:38,450
This is it.

491
00:39:38,710 --> 00:39:40,050
This is it. This is it.

492
00:39:43,630 --> 00:39:45,170
You're not going to use all them, are
you?

493
00:39:46,190 --> 00:39:49,070
Where is it? Where is it? It's just
along the passage.

494
00:39:57,710 --> 00:39:59,430
The time of Athelred the Unready.

495
00:40:00,170 --> 00:40:02,370
Where is my crumpet?

496
00:40:03,230 --> 00:40:04,570
I can warm you one up.

497
00:40:05,310 --> 00:40:09,130
She was already warmed up, thank you
very much. Now, where is she? Where is

498
00:40:09,130 --> 00:40:12,150
lady I arrived with? You arrived alone,
sir.

499
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:16,230
We arrived together. We signed the book
together. Come with me and I'll prove

500
00:40:16,230 --> 00:40:17,230
it. Come on.

501
00:40:20,290 --> 00:40:23,070
There you are. Look, no Mrs Smith there,
is there?

502
00:40:23,510 --> 00:40:26,890
It's got Brian Dobbs there. Of course it
has. You signed it.

503
00:40:28,330 --> 00:40:30,010
Yeah, but Mrs Smith was standing there.

504
00:40:30,310 --> 00:40:31,310
Mrs who?

505
00:40:32,210 --> 00:40:35,190
All right, then, my secretary, Miss
Goodbody, was standing there.

506
00:40:35,610 --> 00:40:37,030
Any distinctive features?

507
00:40:38,330 --> 00:40:39,910
Well, she was wearing paper knickers.

508
00:40:41,190 --> 00:40:44,270
And you were hoping to catch up on your
paperwork, were you?

509
00:40:45,570 --> 00:40:48,670
I'm going to see the police about this.
There's obviously something at the

510
00:40:48,670 --> 00:40:49,328
bottom of this.

511
00:40:49,330 --> 00:40:50,330
Yeah.

512
00:40:50,490 --> 00:40:52,210
Paper knickers, I dare say.

513
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:25,520
Deceptive thing, traffic.

514
00:41:26,460 --> 00:41:29,880
Three days, nothing, then two come along
all at once.

515
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,240
Oh, I'm off duty now, sir.

516
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,360
PC Smith, at your service.

517
00:41:38,660 --> 00:41:40,480
Last night, I stayed at Smith's Hotel.

518
00:41:40,860 --> 00:41:46,100
When? Last night. Oh, I don't think so,
sir. Now, this here church is the church

519
00:41:46,100 --> 00:41:47,400
of St. Smithing, see?

520
00:41:47,660 --> 00:41:50,160
Now, you come and have a look at this
here gravestone.

521
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:54,500
My dear dead brother.

522
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:02,980
Sylvanus Q. Smith died in 1983, but he's
alive.

523
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:07,840
I mean, I've just been speaking to him.
I stayed there last night. Would you

524
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,100
come with me, please, sir?

525
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,860
This ain't been an old tale for more
than eight or nine years.

526
00:42:17,420 --> 00:42:18,420
Condemned they were.

527
00:42:18,860 --> 00:42:21,380
Water in the milk and dry rot in the
beer.

528
00:42:22,470 --> 00:42:24,010
What's impossible, I mean?

529
00:42:24,930 --> 00:42:29,090
My secretary, my car, my diamonds, my
fur coat.

530
00:42:29,970 --> 00:42:34,910
I must be going batty. I think you ought
to go and see my other brother, Dr.

531
00:42:35,230 --> 00:42:38,890
Smith. Where will I find him? Well,
that'd be the short way and that'd be

532
00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:42,670
long way, but I don't advise you coming
the short way. It'd do too longer.

533
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,840
Smith's disease, all right. You've got a
bad case of it.

534
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,640
Well, is there a cure?

535
00:42:55,140 --> 00:42:57,360
Yes, but it has a side effect. What's
that?

536
00:42:57,620 --> 00:42:58,620
It doesn't work.

537
00:43:04,180 --> 00:43:05,180
That's her.

538
00:43:05,460 --> 00:43:06,500
That's Miss Goodbody.

539
00:43:06,820 --> 00:43:08,560
No, no, you're seeing things.

540
00:43:08,980 --> 00:43:11,120
Very lovely things, but you're just
seeing.

541
00:43:12,180 --> 00:43:13,880
It's me, darling, you know.

542
00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:16,900
Ballylux. You know, it's Gojum.

543
00:43:17,180 --> 00:43:18,180
Inky dinky.

544
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:19,979
I'm sorry.

545
00:43:19,980 --> 00:43:22,160
I never saw you before in my whole life.

546
00:43:22,820 --> 00:43:26,060
Miss Dizzy, I'm going to start raving
bonkers.

547
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:28,240
There you are. A second opinion. That
confirms it.

548
00:43:29,260 --> 00:43:32,740
What you need is plenty of fresh air and
cold showers.

549
00:43:33,180 --> 00:43:35,240
Take all your clothes off and walk home
in the rain.

550
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:36,480
Good night.

551
00:43:57,610 --> 00:43:58,610
Right -o, girls.

552
00:43:59,370 --> 00:44:00,390
Mission accomplished.

553
00:44:01,350 --> 00:44:03,170
All inside for a debriefing.

554
00:44:06,110 --> 00:44:07,110
Well,

555
00:44:09,050 --> 00:44:14,110
I think we all deserve a drink, don't
we? Here we are, one fur coat, one

556
00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:17,410
necklace, and, of course, one Jaguar.

557
00:44:17,930 --> 00:44:19,170
Well done, Sandra.

558
00:44:22,670 --> 00:44:26,230
Aha! The late Mr Smith. I know what you
do.

559
00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:30,540
You run a temp agency, don't you? Every
girl you send out has to ensnare a boss,

560
00:44:30,700 --> 00:44:34,360
eh? Then he buys her expensive gifts and
all that. Then she lures him back here.

561
00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:38,260
Then she disappears, doesn't she? Eh?
And you drive him mad then, don't you?

562
00:44:40,860 --> 00:44:41,860
Thank you, thank you.

563
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:43,640
Right, you've made your match now,
Smith.

564
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,320
I'll go to the police. Not B .C. Smith.

565
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:48,720
Alias Dr. Smith, alias you.

566
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,340
Nice work, Dobbs.

567
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:53,940
There's just one thing.

568
00:44:54,730 --> 00:44:59,050
You tell the police, and we'll tell Mrs.
Dobbs.

569
00:45:00,250 --> 00:45:01,530
Get on the phone, Sandra.

570
00:45:02,330 --> 00:45:04,790
No, no, no, no, please.

571
00:45:05,890 --> 00:45:08,950
What are you going to do now, Dobbs?

572
00:45:17,550 --> 00:45:19,330
Customers, action stations, girls.

573
00:45:30,890 --> 00:45:31,910
You must be Mr.

574
00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:33,130
and Mrs. Smith.

575
00:45:34,370 --> 00:45:35,370
Welcome.

576
00:46:05,550 --> 00:46:08,910
What seems to be just about all we have
time for, but before we go, a few late

577
00:46:08,910 --> 00:46:09,910
items of news.

578
00:46:10,070 --> 00:46:14,190
Yes, at a ceremony at the Town Hall
today, Mr Alfred Smelly, lifelong

579
00:46:14,190 --> 00:46:18,210
of bad eggs and old cabbage leaves, was
named as the person who'd done most in

580
00:46:18,210 --> 00:46:21,830
the past year to make Orpington a
cleaner and better place to live in.

581
00:46:21,830 --> 00:46:22,830
moved to Surbiton.

582
00:46:24,690 --> 00:46:30,430
The owner of a Sinclair C5 was involved
in a nasty accident today on the B101

583
00:46:30,430 --> 00:46:33,410
when he was run over by a fast -moving
hedgehog.

584
00:46:36,430 --> 00:46:40,310
Fourth news, and in tonight's
catchweight contest between Big Bill

585
00:46:40,310 --> 00:46:44,750
Brixton Bruiser, and Tiny Tim Thompson,
the Tottenham Terrier, Tiny Tim was

586
00:46:44,750 --> 00:46:47,090
disqualified for using his head. He
didn't turn up.

587
00:46:49,410 --> 00:46:56,410
Finally, the winner of tonight's gay
football final by six goals to three was

588
00:46:56,410 --> 00:46:57,670
ACDC Milan.

589
00:47:00,570 --> 00:47:04,660
In a packed show next week... I should
be talking to the expert in aerodynamics

590
00:47:04,660 --> 00:47:08,500
who crossed an aborigine with a plumber
and got a boomerang that says it'll come

591
00:47:08,500 --> 00:47:09,500
back in the morning.

592
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:19,880
And I'll be talking to the extremely shy
rhubarb grower who used to hate meeting

593
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:22,820
people, but now he hides under an old
bucket and forces himself.

594
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:26,940
It's goodnight from me.

595
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:28,720
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.